Love

Silent moonlit night, 

A heart yearns for distant dreams

Echoes fade alone.

Numb

Your eyes stole

    my every

        single word

Your smile erased

    my every

        worry

Your attention sparked

    my every

        dream

Your touch filled

    my every

        thought

Your words leveled

    my every

        hope

Your actions ended

    my every

        plan

Remember

 I remember

    what you said

    what you planned

    what you promised

    how you touched

    how you laughed

    how you inspired

    when you changed

    when you shifted

    when you left

    who you love

    who you were

    who you are

I remember

    I ache

    I cry

    I despise

    I suffer

I understand

    

Handcuffed

There is always advice to stand back when your kids have kids. People will tell you to keep your distance and let the kids make mistakes, but what do you do when these young/new parents are a disgrace. Furthermore, the grandchild has learning disabilities and is on the spectrum. I stand back and watch as these new parents - who are no longer together - force this academically challenged child into a “normal” or regular classroom where he is totally lost. I offered to pay for a private speciality school and somehow they screwed it up thus he returns to the public school system with more harm being done. The most recent episode involves the child writing on a book and not doing assigned work. A text from the teacher has been shared, and it clearly states the child will not do the work so this has been happening all year.

“He doesn’t need to be in a regular class.”

“No, he usually is quiet and does his work, he just had a bad week.” The baby momma responds in a way that reveals her ignorance and possible inability to understand what the teacher was expressing.

This conversation punched me in the face and kicked up my anxiety as I realize, maybe finally fully realize, that there is nothing I can do. I cannot fix this and I cannot do anything immediate as this is not my child so everything is out of my reach and I have no control.

I sit here tonight in a funk as I now have to watch this young child continue to fail, fail, fail and fall further behind as neither parent wants to put in the work with the little one. My son complains that he has to do everything and she (babby momma) will do nothing. I want to scream at him that it does not matter, you must do it. Also, he needs to be reminded that his own father did nothing, it was all his mother and me.

I want to run away, I want to no longer be connected to this, I want to be gone.

Mom called

It's just, 

your mom

I guess, 

you do

not want, 

to talk 

to me,

anyway

I will 

talk to,

maybe,

someday,

you will 

call me

Clear

I am suddenly awake, sitting upright, I hear a noise. I squint and survey the room before realizing the pounding is in my head. 

"What the fuck?" I close my eyes and slowly rub my temples. I lie back on the pillow, staring at the ceiling. Finally, I push back the cover and swing my legs, my feet hit the floor. I do everything in slow motion as to not wake her, slowly creep downstairs into the kitchen.

The plastic container of pills bounces off the linoleum floor, echoing through the house like a bomb was dropped.

"What, everything okay down there?" Despite all of my efforts, I have woken her.

"Yeah, just a headache, getting a couple Excedrin, all good, sorry I woke you." Usually, I would yell upstairs for her to hear, but the stillness of the night - noise travels easily.

"You should turn the light on."

"As always, you're right, go back to sleep." I drop to one knee and scoop the pills, form a cone with my hand and drop them back in their container. I make a mental note to search for stragglers in the daylight. I hold two pills in my palm and slap it against my mouth and swallow - she always grimaces when I do it without water.

I decide against returning to bed and descend the stairs to the lower level. I drop on the couch and grab the blanket as the banging in my head continues. I sit up and lean forward, head in my hands, attempting to will it away.

Leaning back again, I close my eyes and rest the back of my head on the cushion - it is momentarily cool to touch, feels good. Blood pulsates through the back of my head across my skull and down to the top of my eyes across both the sides of my face into my temples and down to my nose, splitting and into my cheeks. I press my thumbs just under my cheeks and press upward - "Ouch" - I mumble to myself.

As I remain there an hour later, it dawns on me to check my blood pressure. I scramble to the bathroom, finding the device in the back of the cabinet. Of course, it does not work so a return trip upstairs to the kitchen for batteries is necessary but much less quiet this time as I know the route by heart.

160/120 flashes at me with a red warning signal in the upper right of the lcd display. I repeatedly check it finishing with six readings. I quickly compute their averages in my head - 155/121. I think back to similar tests with dad.

"Sit still and keep that arm outstretched with palm facing up." I open the instruction pamphlet and point it at him to further illustrate how to get a proper reading. 

"These things don't work." He grumbles while fidgeting in his seat like a kid.

"Sit still, it hurts the reading if you are moving, take a few deep breaths and relax, sit still!" It feels like the fifth time I have said it, and upon reflection it is in fact the fifth time.

"Where's your diploma?"

"I'm just taking this test to check as the nurse instructed, so shut the fuck up and sit still, goddamnit." I remember cursing is the only thing he follows.

"You do have a diploma, ain't that right?" He glances at me with his hardened, wrinkled face and blood shot eyes. What little hair he has is going in every direction. The look in his eyes catches me off guard, like it is expressing something to me as a real father.

"Yes, I showed it to you, shit, I don't even know where it is now." I search my mind for the whereabouts of my hard-fought diploma, the first in the family. Now that I think about it, it seems to be in the closet in my office. Those things are so important at one point in life, we finally get them, show them and then forget and no job ever asks about them again. Was it worth it?

"Yeah, yeah, I member, pretty piece of paper, you know, I am proud of you, you know that?"

"That right?"

"Don't be a wise ass."

"Well, no, I did not know that, I appreciate you saying it." It is true, it is the first time he has ever said anything like it, maybe the first time he has acknowledged my schooling in positive terms.

"Can I get that in writing? You know, nobody will believe it without proof."

"Fuck you."

"Let's see, looks like you are in the 128/90 range. Not the best, but no where near bad, especially some of those readings when you had the strokes." I hold up the monitor and my hand written notes to show him.

"That right?"

"I seem to remember 170/130 with your first stroke, the doctor told me."

I look at my own 160/120 again and think at least it not as high as Dad's so many years ago, then a part of me feels like I should be able to beat his score. This makes me briefly smile before returning to the here and now of a blinding headache.

This time, I explore my office and quickly find the Lisiniporol in my desk drawer. I grab two and swallow, this time with the rest of a nearby Gatorade. I know the pills take a long time to hit, so probably no help tonight. I return to the couch and try everything to calm myself with the theory it will lower my blood pressure.

"Deep breath 1-2-3-4-5, hold it 1-2-3-4-5, exhale 1-2-3-4-5." I whisper the deep breathing technique from a therapist - it was supposed to help with anxiety (did not) but maybe good here, I repeat it six times. 

Somewhere along the line I do fall asleep.

The sun peeks through the wide slat blinds and I slowly raise my head - still pounding. The blood pressure monitor routine is repeated now with a 163/124 average. With the wife gone to work, I pull on my jeans, grab a t-shirt and head to nearby hospital as I am officially worried.

"Your ID please? And you have to wear this." The security guard stops me at the emergency room entrance where I hand over my ID while securing the mask in place.

"How can we help you today?" I almost ask for a number one with coffee as it feels like a question at McDonald's. 

"My head is pounding, body aching, foggy and blood pressure consistently 160/130 range." 

"Mr. Patton, have you been taking the measurement yourself?" The non-so-perky nurse in blue scrubs speaks slowly as if I am either or both hard of hearing or an idiot. She taps the keys to record my answers - she already has my ID info from the guard.

"Who else would take them?" I am not trying to be trouble, I sincerely want to know who else she thinks was going to do this.

"Your wife or husband, significant other, son, daughter ...?"

"Just me."

"Do you own a device that records the measurement?"

"No, I just squeezed my arm, counted the pulsating blood and guessed." It is clearly apparent she thinks I am an idiot.

"Well, some people have the real or official blood pressure cups that doctors use, so just wanted to check." She is not amused by my answer.

"Oh, no it is a device I found at Walgreen's."

"Did you bring it with you?"

"No."

"How are you feeling right now?" She stops typing for the first time and looks up at me from her seat. She looks tired, it is 7 AM so I wonder if she had been there all night. She has a hardened look, demeanor, she has seen things.

"Like shit, dizzy, head feels like it is going to split open and hatch." I absentmindedly rub the sparse hair on my head. I know the hair is sticking up in all directions, makes me think of my old history teacher in college who seemed to prefer his hair look like that - I always called it the bald Einstein look.

"Mary, can you put him in a wheelchair?" She motions for another young woman to assist.

"Thank you Mary, and what is her name?" I point at the woman behind the desk, banging on the keyboard.

"Oh, that is Sophelia, but we all call her So. She's pretty, you think?" Mary secures me in the chair and pushes me in front of So.

"Yeah, all of you young kids are pretty, I wasn't trying to flirt and be a creep, I was just wondering." It felt weird for Mary to comment on the other's appearance. I always worry that women think all men are creeps. I guess deep in our minds we all have thoughts, but thoughts are just thoughts for most men.

"Okay, now Mr. Patton, I just need you to sign and initial a few things using this device." She slides a small black rectangle electronic device in front of me. I initial and sign using it as she instructs.

"Thank you." I so want them to know I am not the creep that Mary implied.

"Mary, take him to bay 5 and Dr. Philstance will be in shortly."

"Thanks again."

"My pleasure Mr. Patton, I hope you are better soon." So flashes a smile and small wave as I roll away.

"Okay, let's go, it'll be a bit bumpy, so hold on." We traverse a few hallways with ongoing construction before finally rolling into a new area with curtained areas lining each wall - these are called bays, staging areas for patients. You either go in there and leave or stay longer and get a room.

"Mr. Patton, so the blood pressure again?" Dr. Philstance appears much sooner than expected as Mary had just instructed me to line in the bed and hooked up a IV.

"Yeah, it just happened, no warning. Fine yesterday, no sleep and now here I am." I gesture wildly with my hands.

"Well, we have seen this before with you, any big stressors these days?" He looks up and makes eye contact, holds it about 5 seconds too long, and returns to feeling my body and checking and rechecking the chart.

"The normal, work, travel, raising the grandson, son got laid off, marital issues as wife finally realized I am an idiot, roof needs fixed, dryer broken, car making a noise, Mom won't shut up, Dad is gone but still lingers, bored with work and layoffs loom, getting old and now blood pressure skyrockets."

"Whoa."

"Well." I feel like I've only told him a quarter of the things running through my mind.

"Your wife here today?" He looks around for another person who obviously is not there.

"No, I didn't want to disturb here, waiting until she left for work and then came here."

"You thinks she'll be worried?"

"I'll tell her later."

"Interesting."

"I guess."

"You don't think it is odd to keep this from your wife?"

"You ever feel like you made the wrong choice?"

"What?"

"Nevermind, anyway, not a secret, I'll tell her later, besides, she had big meeting today."

"The IV has brought it back down to normal - 115/78. You still taking the Lisiniporol?"

"Yes."

"Every day?"

"Yes."

"I was going to say increase it, but is it fine all other times?"

"Yes."

"Well, maybe you can stay for a while, we'll see about overnight, to monitor you."

"No."

"No?"

"I am not staying, waste of time and money, besides I need to get to work."

"You should really rest for a couple days, your body has been through a lot of stress today and yesterday."

"We'll see, but I am not staying."

"Alright, well I think we're done here, do you have any questions for me?"

"No." 

Hm

 Sometimes we do what is wrong to get to what is right.