Gave them a look

You gave them a look.

I froze as she read from her notes.

That’s what you said last time we spoke, you said you thought you heard them say something, so you gave them a look.

It sounded pathetic, I felt numb.

I always keep notes, I write these things down.

Yeah, it makes sense is what I told her, but it made no sense. I could not fathom why she felt the need to tell me what she had written, or more clearly, what i had said or what I had said I said.

That’s what happened, right? They said something and you looked their way?

I think so, I really don’t remember. It was a lie, I did remember. I clearly remembered. The group to our left at my grandson’s game two weeks prior had made a comment that I deemed possibly negative towards him, so I gave them a look. 

So, what happened at the next game?

It had been two weeks since I talked to her. I was ashamed, embarrassed by her notes and reading them to me. It sounded like a boast, like I gave somebody a look that would result in something more. I am a coward, the look meant nothing and I did nothing.

Are you okay?

It just sounds weird to hear it now. I really don’t remember saying it, just weird.

Well, it just gives us a reference point to continue our past conversation. Has anything happened since?

No. 

That is good.

I never wanted to talk to her again. Therapy was stupid, why had I ever started talking to her? I was agitated, like I could cry but it channeled into anger. Thankfully, it was just a phone conversation, so she could not see my face.

Well, how are you doing? How is the anxiety, any more episodes?

No, I am okay. I should have told the the truth, I was panicking now - I fished a Xanax out of my drawer and swallowed with no water. 

The session continued for its allotted time - 55 minutes. I watched the clock tick away the minutes as there were no plans to ever do it again. It ended with an awkward discussion of how to continue - she obviously sensed issues on my end and I agreed to continue every other week sessions with the plan to end it before the next scheduled time.