Keep walking

 If you asked her, it did not happen. There were no phone calls or long talks. The tension never existed. There were no smiles, no flipping of the hair or batted eyelashes. Our hands did not touch nor did our bodies. Her hair did not smell like strawberries and she did not have a favorite vanilla scented lotion. She certainly did not spend time in the backseat of my car, and I never saw the inside of her parents house. I could not tell you the name of her dog (Fluffy) or if her parents were together (divorced when she was fifteen). The small birth mark on her lower back and the tiny freckles on the bridge of her nose were certainly not verified. The movie, the pizza and the drinks certainly were not shared. The misunderstand and subsequent argument certainly did not cause a scene in the work parking lot. Her eyes told me all of this as we strode past each other at the mall.  She walked while holding hands with I can only guess was her partner. I did stop, turn and watch as they turned a corner, she gave me a quick glance and then they were gone. 

Diner

 I stare out the window, using my hand to block the sun. Dad promised we would eat breakfast at the diner across the street. I watch people come and go waiting for him to wake up. I pray his mood isn’t foul since he didn’t seem to get as drunk last night.

He finally rises and stumbles to the bathroom. I want to remind him, but it is better to wait and gauge the mood. Besides, there isn't much food in the kitchen.

He returns, lights a cigarette and sits on the edge of the bed. He quickly removes the cigarette and spits while clawing the end of his tongue. With the hair removed, he looks at me. The bloodshot eyes send a wave of disappointment over my body.

“It looks like a warm day”, he mumbles.

I agree,  awaiting his next move. He approaches the window, stretches and scratches his butt. I wonder if my back will be that hairy when I grow up. He looks down at me and asks me if I am hungry. He suggests the diner and I happily agree.

The diner is small with an l-shaped counter and stools to the left and a bank of booths to the right. We sit at one of the booths. The waitress calls Dad by name as I look over the menu.

I am so excited that I can hardly sit still. Eating out is a rare; the menu choices are overwhelming. I just can’t decide. Sausage links are so cool and waffles and chocolate milk! The waitress approaches and I try to make a decision.

“What’ll you boys have today”, she asks.

“Let’s see, money is tight, so pancakes for him, and milk, and toast and more coffee”, Dad responds with no glance at me while tapping his cup.

Perseverance

 The "accident" enters the world and joins the group as the youngest. Early school endeavors are a great success, but family issues are a weight that leads to problems in daily life. Teachers write notes of  encouragement and accolades that nobody reads. The alcohol flows through the family as he avoids it but attachment issues present development roadblocks. He spends a lot of time with his face in a book, the family is confused. Poverty leads to resourcefulness at well as the label 'at risk'. College is discouraged by the high school counselor as those from his "area' are encouraged to get a job. Luckily, he is stubborn and ignores all advice. He stumbles onto the local college campus, eventually finding his way after initially being totally lost and flunking. The first real girlfriend becomes a force pushing him and after a while he enters corporate America. He leaves college behind, but returns many years later to get that diploma - first and only in the family. The brothers sarcastically call him college boy. The jobs change regularly and he gets to see the world. He falls in love, but the choice of mate leads to an uproar in the family and  society. This relationship labels him, but he is not deterred and builds a strong relationship while raising a family the opposite of his upbringing. Meanwhile, the brown liquid continues to consume the family. Temptation comes at him from many angles and therapy enlightens. While the career blossoms, the tough beginning will not let him rest as he is afraid to turn down work. A grandson unexpectedly arrives and brings joy and more worries. Health problems change everything and he tries to slows down, refocusing energy on the things that matter while still figuring out what matters.

Call me whatever

 The little boy calls my Pop Pop and others laugh, but I have never been called anything better. I join him and engage in whatever activity that is currently occupying him - we watch Sponge Bob and then act out the scenes in the living room. Next, we are running and jumping through the sprinkler in the frontyard - I am sure the neighbors ridicule me from a distance, but his little smile is all that matters. He grabs his toy that has stopped working, hands to me and I quickly fix it, he is ecstatic. It is the simple things in life! I never wanted to be a Pop Pop, but now I never not want to be it.

Show up

 One belief embedded in my psyche is just show up. I would like to attribute this to my grandmother, but I can't pinpoint her ever saying it - maybe she just taught me by example? I think back to being twelve and playing in my first official sports league. I cannot remember how I performed (other than generally not good), but I can tell you who showed up to my games. It was my brother and dad. When I had a complete meltdown in college, my best friend was there. The car trouble that turned into a disaster when I was 25? Yep, my brother and dad were there. I lived this belief before realizing it. When there were problems at work, I would be there to help the team either actually doing something or moral support. When my grandma was moved to a nursing home, I left my job hours away and was there with her - do I remember the job? No. Of course, there are countless examples, but it dawned on me a couple years ago during a discussion of what single piece of advice would you give younger persons? Without thinking too much, I confidently said "Just Show Up." I heard myself say it and it stuck with me, swirling in my brain, and I reflected on my life and the many examples of living the belief. Think about things in your past - good or bad - and who was there?

Get moving

 It is an unusually warm day for April as I enter the gym - doors automatically slide open as the walk inside. I look for my friend as goosebumps cover my limbs - the a/c is blasting. A text message tells me to look straight ahead, I look up and see the wave and quickly walk in that direction. I jump on the elyptical machine adjacent to them and the workout begins.

I am swallowed by the cool air, bodies moving in every direction. The bright purple creatures fill the room - arms swinging back and forth while many stand idle. Surveying the landscape, go east, go north? Am I in the right place? My hand vibrates, squinted eyes make the words legible. A wave in the distance, back and forth in rhythm with those nearby. The hand blends into the yellow wall as I approach. Smiles exchanged, communication without words as I hop on the beast and ascend. Moisture covers the alabaster limbs as I ascend.

The one, maybe not

 Playlist of songs for falling for the one and then moving on ....

• "Just One Look" - Linda Ronstadt
• "Come and Talk To Me" - Jodeci
• "She Drives Me Crazy" - Fine Young Cannibals
• "Can't Wait" - Jill Scott
• 'Kissin' You" - Total
• "Unbelievable" - EMF
• "Fooled Around and Fell In Love" - Elvin Bishop
• "Only You" - The Platters
• "Head Over Heals" - Tears For Fears
• "Baby-Baby-Baby" - TLC
• "Love Like This" - Natasha Bedingfield
• "I Can Love You" - Mary J. Blige
• "Whip Appeal" - Babyface
• "Fool for Your Love" - Mickey Gilley
• "Love's Taken Over" - Chante Moore
• "I Felt the Earth Move" - Carole King
• "Behind Closed Doors" - Charlie Rich
• "Devil Inside" - INXS
• "You Make My Dreams  (Come True) - Hall and Oates
• "Share My Life" - Kem
• "I Do" - Musiq Soulchild
• "Foolin Around" - Changing Faces
• "Lyin' Eyes" - Eagles
• "Who Are You?" - The Who
• "Head Games" - Foreigner
• "I Apologize" - Anita Baker
• "Still the One" - Orleans
• "Let's Stay Together" - Al Green
• "It Ain't Over 'Til It's Over" - Lenny Kravitz
• "If You Loved Me" - Vintage Trouble
• "'Not Gon' Cry" - Mary J Blige
• "Before I Let You Go" - Blackstreet
• "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do" - Neil Sedaka
• "Goodbye Stranger" - Supertramp
• "The Things I Regret" - Brandi Carlile
• "Highway to Hell" - AC/DC
• "Why Me?" - Kris Kristofferson
• "Wasted Days and Wasted Nights" - Freddy Fender
• "Dust in the Wind" - Kansas
• "Looking For A New Love" - Jodi Watley