With or without

"Would my sadness be worse with you, or without?" He mumbled while staring straight ahead.

"What?" She leafed through a magazine while never looking up.

"Nothing."

They sat on the patio in the chairs they found on clearance years ago at Lowe's. They gently rocked, which  he did while searching the clear blue sky for answers.

"I wonder what life would've been like with somebody else." He watched a cardinal land on the fence.

"Yeah, it is a great day, wonderful weather."

"I think about Becky and how she chased me. I wonder what could have been." He watched the Cardinal fly away - mocking him.

"I told you it was fine, don't worry about it, you're not old."

"I don't know, I should've moved far away. Left my crazy family behind and built my own life."

"Whatever you want, we could go to the Mexican place."

"I should not have settled, my confidence was always a problem."

"Let's do it, I'd love a margarita."

"I wonder what ever happened to Shannon."

"We need to put up everything before we go."

"Shannon, she pulled me aside at the party that time, told me how much she wanted me. I was so stupid."

"The front door is open, I'll get it." She pushes off the chair and drops magazine in the seat while going in the back door.

"Yeah, I should've gone for it, that would've forced my hand." He sighs while wiping his glasses with the front of his shirt. He turns at the sound of her car starting.

"You ready? Let's go!" She yells at him from the driver seat.

"Yeah, I'm coming."

"

Get up

"Are you okay?" I lean in for a closer look, finally squatting like a baseball catcher.

"Uhm, yeah, just a minute, let me get my bearings straight." He lets out a loud sigh.

"At least you didn't hit your head this time."

"You say so." He slowly sits up while rubbing the thin, gray hair.

"Do you want the wheelchair? You know it's right over there, like I said BEFORE this happened." I point to the other side of the room where the blue vinyl and chrome frame travel option awaits.

"No, just help me get back to the couch." The grumpiness is hard to miss.

I waddle closer and bend down on a knee while placing my hands in his armpits.

"Are you ready?"

"As I'll ever be."

"Ready? 1 .. 2 ... 3...." I grunt loudly while lifting him as he groans. I lower my body to position my left shoulder under his right.I maintain the grip on this hands and slowly wobble him the 3 feet to the couch. I kick the walker to the side and push the coffee table out with my foot before lowering onto the sofa.

"Ah thank you son." He reaches out and places my hands in his hands while slowly rubbing and patting.

"Anytime old man." I pull my hands away, embarrassed by the incident."

He leans back after grabbing a cigarette and taps the lighter to ignite it. He smiles after a long inhale.

"I never thought 79 would be such a rough year."

Scoping horror

I do not subscribe to the stars or horoscopes, but by chance I read them in today's paper. Here is what was listed for me (Aries):

As the pillar of stability that you are, you sometimes forget that in order to continue to withstand the pressures of day-to-day living you need love. Hugs and praise are key to your well-being.

I had a chill after reading it - looked over my shoulder for the surprise. The pressures of day-to-day living are what have been pushing me closer and closer to the edge these days. It always feels like I have to do everything and there is never the opportunity for my problems or concerns to be voiced or have any attention. Yes, I'm sure it is all in my head and plenty of people care, but ... well, I don't know about 'but' other than reading that fucking horoscope seemed like a sign. 

Are you still laughing? Yes, I said sign. Yes, I am now one of those people that feels like horoscopes are talking to me. No, I am not on the phone with a psychic at this moment. No, I am not visiting a horoscope any time soon. I feel the "pressures" in my shoulders - muscles in knots, I've been on edge, overreacting with every little thing these days. I have no point here other that WTF!?!

Handling over grievances

Killing another human being is not as hard as advertised. For me, I remember so many old novels where the protagonist grappled with the moral issues surrounding ending another life. Maybe it helps to have no morals? No, that is a flippant answer. Rather, sometimes there are just worthless and borderline evil persons among us. They are 'in the way' of the rest of us trying to navigate the perverse challenges and jagged pathway that encompasses our own life. You stumble upon a less than desirable sole and the consensus is the world does not need them - in fact, the world would be better without them. No, there is no judge and jury where facts and statements are presented to reach a unanimous verdict, but rather it is something you feel in your gut - or it could be a few companions discussing. In the end, it only takes one (queue the .... One is the Only Number song) to set things in motion accepting and meeting a challenge. This is where is can become a game of sorts - after all, nobody wants to go to prison for killing an unnecessary idiot. A key is reconnaissance - learn the target's methods and routine (if any) and look for vulnerable points. Ultimately, my mark had inflicted personal harm on me as a child (me the child, not him). We had no contact since that time and the, so-called incidents (in my mind) were never reported, so there was no connection between us. I checked my car and drove to the target's locale after work - 10 hour round trip journey. I did this a few times to collect details of the terrain and lay of the land and routine. He is 66 and lives alone - loves going to movies along with often grocery shopping and walking/running in a nearby park. On my forth trip, I joining in the park - eventually finding ourselves in steep valley area where a inadvertent (or so it looked) shove sent him overboard. I kept going trying to gauge damage while looking for onlookers. I finally was able to locate him down the hill - I kneeled over and looked into his eyes; asking him if he remembered the joy jide, the inappropriate touching and threats, he nodded just as I deposited a bullet between the eyes. I checked my surroundings and was back up the hill to finish the run. And, five hours later I was showering in my own home - a nemesis gone.

Things to not say during prostate exam

• This usually costs extra.
• Is that a ring?
• Your knuckles are huge.
• What are you doing later?
• Sprinkle the infield while down there.
• Don't forget the taint.
• Is this what giving birth feels like?
• That's my spot.
• Lower.
• No, lower.
• Seriously, lower.
• Hold it right there.
• Mmmmmm.

Farewell

He watched as she talked. He wondered how it could have been missed? It was right in front of him all those years - the one friendship that never wavered. Those lips, those eyes, that face, but the most important thing required a closer look.

"Are you okay?" She smiled before sipping the girly drink in her hand.

"Yeah, sure, finish your story." He waved in her direction as she didn't miss a beat while explaining the boring details of her day, but he didn't find them boring. In fact, he had never found anything she said boring.

His eyes followed the curve of her arm up to the neck and rested on her face. The misfires and mistakes melted away as the realization of how much he loved this woman permeated his soul. He wondered how he had overlooked the obvious for so many years.

"He walks right up to me and asks me what the hell I am doing. Well, I didn't back down like the others and gave it to him straight. He fumbled while apologizing and then left me alone." She leaned forward and took another sip while looking in his eyes.

"You have to get in some people's face to get them to understand. I'm sure you surprised him." He wanted to reach out and touch her soft skin, but the past left him cautious.

"You are so right. Hey, check out the guy wearing the cape in the corner." She leaned closer to whisper the information - as if anybody could hear her above the loud lunch crowd.

"Where?" I turned and met the strange man's eyes.

"Gawd, don't, geez, I didn't mean look straight at him!" She reached over and slapped him while laughing.

"Why would anybody wear a cape? Besides, it is so fucking hot outside." He shook his head in disbelief awaiting her next sentence.

"Exactly. Oh, crap, I have a meeting in twenty minutes. I need to go." She grabbed her purse and quickly stood while waiting for him to follow.

"Wow, I didn't realize it was so late. Time seems to fly when we're together." He smile hoping the statement didn't sound as stupid to her as it did to him.

"Yes, it is always great to see you."

He held the door as she exited to the overwhelming afternoon heat. The sunglasses covered her eyes as she gave him a hug and said she hoped to see him again soon. He told her to call or send an email and he'd meet her whenever and wherever. He knew he was being transparent, but she was too busy to notice.

He leaned against his car and watched her drive away. A sense of loss formed in the pit of his stomach. He knew he had thought he knew love for so many years and then again with a brief fling, but those were no match for what he felt now. He never missed those like he now missed her, but he knew he was doomed.

Raising black

When I was 13 years old, I showed off a new blue and chrome stick shift Schwinn 5 speed bike that dad mysteriously arrived and delivered the previous morning. It was complete with banana set and chrome finders - a thing of beauty. I showed everybody - even the older kds. Jeff, one of the olders, smiled broadly as I demonstrated its features. He was the coolest black kid in the nightborhood.

"Hey, I'm having some problems with the breaks and the right shifter." I casually let him know that is was basically a piece of chunk.

"<nice>, wellI think I can handle the break fix, any chance I could is? My black mongoose is having some timing issues.I bring it back as soon as finished.

There was an eerie silence as to figure out what to do.

"Deal?" His pearly whites flashed my way (compliments of Dr. Thressenger.

'Well, I dunno, I just got it and would get in trouble."

"Good points indeed, come to the debate club room one day." He sped away.

I was downtrodden, how could i let down my friend.