Missing (revised)

“Are we really going to do this?” She mumbled into his mouth.

“I think so.“ He pulled away and sat back.

“No, I want to, it just seemed, I don’t know, we’ve been so close so many times,” she pulled him closer.

“Yeah, there have been a lot of false starts.”

“Say it first.”

“Say what?” He did not realize there was a script – this was all new. Was there a magic word? He immediately thought of saying please.

Silence, she squinted, the hot breath on his face was disconcerting.

“I want you so much."

“I need to know it is more than that.”

“You know that.” 

“Do I?”

“Of course you do.” Her tone was annoying.

“Do I?”

“I love you?” He hoped it didn’t sound like a question. This seemed like what she wanted to hear, but it was weird to say it. He hadn't said it to anybody in years. 

“I love you too,” she beamed while reaching back and pulling the white polo off.

Their eyes met as he pulled his pants down and nearly tripped. They fell to the couch. This always looked so much easier in movies. It was strange as it had been so long. 

“Do you have protection?” She planted her left palm on his chest saying stop. 

“What? No, I didn’t think this would happen.” He rolled to the right and awkwardly tried to rest on an elbow.

“I think Dave bought some a while back. It was a big box, so one won’t be missed or maybe four!” She giggled, rolling off the couch while scrambling through a previously unseen door.

He surveyed the room and its jumbled contents. There was her husband’s stereo; his cd collection; Red Sox championship hat and there on the mantle a picture staring down on him.

“Here we go!”  

“Give me a second,” he fumbled with the package as the moment passed – no longer wanting to be there. He felt the eyes of the husband. He leaned back with a heavy sigh. He missed is wife, well ex-wife. 

“Ah, that feels good,” she had grabbed his hand and pushed it where she wanted it.

She sat up and pulled him toward her, but it was not going to happen. An uneasy hush filled the room, a clock loudly ticked.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, just nervous, didn’t want to disappoint you.” It was better than saying he did not want her – ever.

“Disappoint me? I am so relaxed right now.” She laughed violently, throwing her head back. It seemed theatrical.

“Ah, I wasn’t sure.” He forced a laugh while realizing the huge mistake. The couch was old, like him, and everything else in the room – the term ironic popped in his head.

“You’re so silly, I can help,“ he raised a hand and stopped her as gently as possible. 

“Sorry, I’m just embarrassed, this was supposed to go differently.” He tried to explain it away as she recoiled. Suddenly, it all seemed funny, he could imagine telling this story to others, maybe right about it, a slight grin appeared.

"Is this funny to you?" 

"No, not really, but I could see somebody laughing at us, at my failure."

"Your sense of humor always surprises me." 

He raised and fumbled with the crumpled clothes. The open condom remained on the floor as a reminder of failure and bad decisions. He thought of a line from a show where the character says they smell shame.

“Nothing to be so weird about, we'll have plenty of opportunities, you want a drink?” She hopped up and strolled to the kitchen. 

He pulled on the pants and stood up, grimacing at his reflection in the window. He sat on the couch trying to avert the husband’s eyes as she loudly filled a glass with water and ice. For some reason, he could only find one sock.

“Here, sorry I could find only one clean glass,” she held out the half empty glass after drinking. He wondered how there was only one clean glass before remembering the sloppiness of the surroundings.

“That’s okay.” He pushed it away – the thought of drinking from the same glass was gross.

“Quit acting so weird. What is on the telly?” She flopped on the sofa, covering herself with a blanket, stabbing at the remote. The fact she called it telly was irritating. He stared at the blanket, not remembering previously seeing it. 

“Crap, Dave always handles this, you know how? There may be another remote.” She absently gave him the remote while searching. The tv erupted with one click. 

“I have to go.” 

"Hey, here is your sock." She tossed it at his chest.

"I am going to go." He pushed the sock in his back pocket - his right foot did feel weird with no sock.

“What? I thought you were staying; Dave is gone until Monday.”

“No, I have to work tomorrow.” The husband’s eyes trailed his every move, knowing he was lying.

“I thought you said …”

“Is that the right time?” He looked at the clock and then his watch which he remembered was on the coffee table.

“Well, I will walk you out.” She shrugged and laughed as the blanket fell to the floor.

“You better stay here.” He faked a laughed, grabbed the watch and turned for the door that seemed miles away. 

“Hold on, come here first,” she pulled him close for a kiss. He couldn't believe he had thought this was a good idea. 

“Later.” He felt the odd taste in his mouth as the door closed. He wanted to run. He couldn't remember the last time he had actually ran.

Rain covered the car as he drove, spotting the familiar McDonald's sign at the corner. He rushed into the bathroom and coated his hands, arms and face with the gooey soap.

He ordered a large Coke at the counter and then added a burger and fries. Eating as raindrops danced across the windshield. He started to call his ex, she would laugh at the story. He stopped himself, sniffling while munching fries.