Don't turn around

"Look, don't worry about." A wave of her perfume washed over me as she leaned forward and patted my knee.

"What do you mean don't worry about? Look around, people won't let me not worry about it." I randomly waved my arms until I caught a glimpse of myself in a nearby window. I cringed while quickly returning the arms to a natural position.

"When did you start worrying about other people's opinions?" She pushed my knee as she fell back in her chair. The look of disgust on her face was pure drama, but I liked it.

"When they all started agreeing and sharing them - over and over. You know, after a while it is hard to avoid believing me, at least a little." I rubbed my hands through my hair as my head felt like it would explode. I gently rubbed my temples and closed my eyes.

"Fuck them!" Her face was red with embarrassment as the reply was louder than planned, but nobody seemed to notice.

"Yeah, I know." The defeat was obvious as I rubbed my eyes and examined my new cheerleader.

"People who act so self-righteous have their own secrets, so find a few a use it against them." She rubbed her hands together as a manic glee covered her face. She seemed to have somebody in mind.

"Well, I did discover a few things, but why kick a dead horse?" I felt the anger return. It is understandable to be judged when there is wrong and a stack of lies, but discovering lies about others that were once close to you can be disheartening.

"No, fuck that, nobody gives a shit about that. Shit, you had to be the only person who didn't know about them. Anyway, I'm thinking of some of the others." The whiteness of the hands was visible as she clenched her fists. There was a mountain of untapped anger under all that hair.

"Let's just drop it. It isn't so bad. At least I have a solid reason to hate people." I pushed a smile across my face - hoping to calm her down.

"Shit, you're no fun." Her coat fell to the floor as she stood. She smoothed her skirt and surveyed the surroundings as I retrieved the jacket.

"I guess, but I really appreciate the support and I'll keep it in mind." I suddenly wanted her gone, long gone. I hoped there would be no more speeches as I craved some time alone.

"No problem and you have my number, if you ever need to talk." Her arms hung in the air waiting for a hug as I obliged. She was gone and the whole conversation seemed like a dream.

I smiled at the idea of taking others down. I knew where to find the previous man, but she was right when she said it was pointless. My eyes glazed over as I sat staring out the window - watching a woman on a smoke break but never catching one detail of her form.

Forgetful

"I did it." The words tumble toward his dinner companion as he lowers himself into the booth.

"Did it? What?" The response is followed by a look of bewilderment.

"IT? Her, you know, seal the deal." He felt like a contestant on the Twenty Thousand Dollar Pyramid game show, only he was stuck with a less than stellar teammate.

"Oh, OH, okay, right, really?" The bewilderment faded to surprise while ending in amazement. She sat quietly examining the nuances of his each and every response - trying to find the hidden nuggets of information.

"Yeah." He shrugs his shoulders and orders lemonade while expecting jokes about his femininity, but they failed to materialize.

"So, what happened, details!" She leans forward in an unladylike position with elbows on the table and hands interlocked under the chin. The face posed to receive the gaudy details.

"Well, we did it, or we tried to." He laughs while nibbling a piece of bread from the basket in the center of the table. The fresh baked rye is still warm. He smiles while smashing a small butter packet on a slice.

"Tried? Either you did or didn't." She simultaneously asked questions and corrects him while maintaining the pose. "Anywhere, let's start with the basics - when and where?"

"The other day at her house - it was her idea." The words are garbled as he chews but countless such lunches had left her with the ability to easily decipher him.

"Jeses, her house? I assume you guys were alone?" The hands drop from her chin onto the table with a loud thud. Her jaw remains slack while shaking her head from side-to-side.

"Yeah, he was out of town for a few days, so it was just us." He washes down the bread with the homemade lemonade - a wonderful combination in his mouth - and grabs the last slice of rye as her eyes glare at him.

"You have balls my friend, I'll give you that."

"Did you want this?" He extends the bread in her direction.

"No, you know what I mean. Why didn't you just go to a motel? Shit, you can afford it." She can’t control her anger at his lackadaisical attitude.

"I'll consider that the next time." He swallows more lemonade while berating himself for every sharing such information, but it had been agreed before anything started.

"Okay, you do that. So, how was it - good as expected or wanted? Is she wild? Are those boobs real? How long did it take?" She was giddy with excitement at the news she was about to receive, although she had sworn to share it with nobody outside their circle. It was by far the highlight of her day - or week.

"Like I said, it was okay. She came and seemed happy about it." He leaned back as the fish sandwich was placed in front of him. He pulled the top pieces of bread away to inspect the contents. After discarding a tomato and an onion, the sandwich is reassembled and bitten.

"What about you?" She jabbed her salad with the fork like a hunter trying to spear its prey. The loud crunching of her eating was a bit annoying, but he decided to skip normal protocol and say nothing.

"Well, it just didn't happen. The flag was only raised so far." He made a small gesture with his hand that made them both giggle just before taking another bite of the sandwich. He motioned to the waitress for a drink refill.

"Wow, that is incredible. You had performance anxiety? Or, maybe she doesn't do it for you? We never envisioned this kind of problem." She chomped on a crouton. The resulting crunch sounded like a tooth injury.

"Yeah, well all of those pictures of him lurking on the walls and thereabouts were a bit disconcerting."

"Well, at least we can squash the homo rumors since his face and presence didn't get you hot." A piece of letter landed on the table as she laughed.

"You should be on stage somewhere and stop wasting such talent on me."

"So, you took care of her?" She twiddled her fingers and circled her lips with her tongue to provide the possible answers to the questions.

"Yes, both, it took forever, but she started giggling and laughing and she was there - more than once. At that point, she could have cared less about my shortcomings or helping me, so it was over."

"Wow, she laughed and giggled? And, more than once? That is good stuff, and at least she didn't cry. Nobody likes a crier."

"She said it was the best she ever had - nobody had ever made it so intense for her."

"Shit, we tell all men that. You know you guys have such fragile egos, so every little bit helps you believe whatever ya'll need to believe."

"Hey smell my hand." He quickly waves the index finger under her nose before she can bat it away.

"Wow, gross, that is strong, why didn't you wash?"

"I did, I soaked the hand in bleach and scrubbed it with soft scrub and even tried rubbing it with a lemon. That is some strong scent. Maybe she needs to bath more often." He pulls the finger to his nose and inhales before pushing it away. He winces as the memories of the past night return.

"No shit, I can't remember any girl or guy staying with after a thorough cleaning. You may want to buy some latex gloves."

"Hardy har har." He finished the sandwich and the third drink refill and dropped a few bills on the table to cover it.

"So, what is the next step? You going in again?"

"I think I have to, but not too soon - convince her I am in it for more than sex. That I am one of the good guys." He smiled at the cynic tone in his voice and knowing full well he was anything but good.

"Do you think you can do it the next time?"

"She'll go for it."

"No, can you get a stiffie and plow the field, do the deed?"

“Plow the field?”

“You know what I mean.”

"I hope so, but the physical attraction isn't so strong. She did prepare it for me but lost all momentum once inside. My heart was never in it. Maybe I can think of a hot chick while doing it."

"Yeah, think of your wife, that may work."

"Fuck you."

Stand straight

"Hey, I know it doesn't often seem like it, but I am proud of you. You're a good person, a good man." He uncrossed his legs and leaned forward to be closer.

"Thanks." The boy stood awkwardly awaiting the rest of the speech.

"Your mother and I only want the best for you. You're closing in on the time when we won't always be around for suggestions or to bail you out." He rubbed his chin as the emotions swelled inside. He took a long deep breath and stood up.

"I know and I will do better, I'm not going to be doing stupid stuff no more."

"Here let me show you." He resisted the urge to point out how often such promises had been made. Instead, he grabbed the boy's shoulders and turned him toward the mirror while positioning himself at his side. He quickly undid his own tie. "Here, now follow along as I do it - it isn't that hard." The rustling of fabric filled the room as they stood silently side by side as the younger mimiced the older's movements.

"No, you have to wrap it twice and then come under." He checked his voice to avoid sending the wrong message as he reached over and slowly undid the boy's work and placed the two ends in the anxious hands to restart the process. He watched as he methodically retraced his own movements and a smile stretched across his face as the end result met expectations.

"There you go, it looks great." He slid behind the narrow shoulders and reached around to straighten the knot. A little collar adjustment and the jacket followed. Their eyes met as they both looked into the mirror and their was more thoughts passed in the brief moment than could have been exchanged with any words. He wrapped an arm around him and gave him one squeeze - not knowing when another chance would arise.

"Okay, you ready?" All heads nodded agreement as they stepped into the bright afternoon sunlight. He grunted towards the boy and tossed the keys in his direction as he found the back seat and let the younger boy take the driver's seat. A sudden sadness filled him as they rolled down the highway - it was both a day of celebration and an ending. He would miss that smiling face and the daily regiment of youth, but he felt sure that he had done everything possible to prepare him for the the road ahead.

Zone

He heard the sound of the others in the meeting, but their words never reached him. He couldn't forget that laugh. It played over and over in his mind as he sat staring absently out the window. He looked down and examined the goose bumps on his arm. It was a part of her he had never seen.

Their conversation had been brief yet long enough to leave him disoriented. He had been greeted with a sombre demeanor as she questioned him, but the darkness crumbled as a smile appeared and her eyes sparkled as his misfortunes were relayed. And then it happened, she laughed, a genuine laugh erupted. She made no attempt to conceal it as she expressed her gratitude for his bad news.

Upon reflection he realized it was the closure so badly needed, but he had never expected to travel to dark recesses of his mind. He couldn't remember the last time hate had taken such a hold on him. He closed his eyes and rubbed them as his name echoed in the distance.

He turned to meet the other faces around the table. They smiled and joked about his aloofness as the meeting ended. He watched their mouths move but there was no sound. As they left, he turned the chair and watched a spider make its way across the table. Her face appeared before him with the menacing laugh as his hand slammed down on the table - ending the spider's life.

He stood and wiped the remains of the spider on a curtain and took a deep breath. Killing the spider was cathartic, but it was her blood he wanted to see and touch. He closed his eyes tightly and shook his head to extinguish such thoughts. The table extended before him as he turned. His hands rested on the shiny lacquer finish as he leaned forward - a pose she had struck many times on this very table.

More people arrived for another meeting and he was quickly evicted. The morbid thoughts continued as his office door slammed behind him. The message waiting light winked at him but he didn't feel like talking or listening. He knew his obsessive nature was getting the best of him as he reminded himself that there would be no winners in this game, but he still wanted something. His clenched fists grew white as he rocked back and forth.

"Fucking whore," he mumbled to himself while thumbing through his Rolodex. The accidental pun amused him since the object of his anger was the same kind of person he wanted. He paused while remembering the naming scheme for such services and then found it under stress reduction, but he reconsidered it. He grabbed a folder and tackled his work as the anger invigorated him. He realized the hate would never recede and he welcomed it.

Meeting

"People, people, please take a seat, we have a lot to discuss." He clapped his hands repeatedly to break people from their conversations. Slowly, they recognized the moment and found a seat. He leaned forward against the table and noted the time.

"So, what is this all about? I haven't go much time." The anxiety on the young man's face was hard to miss.

"Just a minute and I'll let you - along with everybody else - know." He looked away while still trying to place the man. Finally, he remembered it was Richard. He worked with her.

"Is there any coffee or snacks?" The young brunette played with her hair while squeezing a pack of cigarettes.

"No, I'm sorry, no refreshments. This is an emergency meeting. This won't take long, and don't light that cigarette in here." The frown on her face made him uneasy, but her demeanor affected most people that way. As an ex-friend she was important to the operation.

"The reason I called this meeting was to review a few things. I think we are almost finished, but a few things need to be outlined or reviewed." He cleared his throat while reviewing his notes on the small notepad.

"Finished? How can you say that?" The bright smile of the man near his own age was surprising as was his companion.

"Yes, and what is she doing here?" The whole operation was jeopardized with the new lady's attendance.

"Oh, she's with me, we're going to move in together." The smile grew wider as she kissed his cheek and he squeezed her hand.

"Jesus, are you that stupid?" He shook his head while wondering how he could jump into another situation so soon. "Anyway, it's your funeral."

"Hey, apologize and I mean right now. You're the reason I am here, so I think you owe me one." The man breathed deeply to puff out his chest as he wrapped an arm around his companion.

"Apoligize? Shit, you should be thanking me for saving your life." It was meant to be sarcastic but everybody nodded in agreement. He placed his notes on the table and began to speak.

"Okay, the work has been great so far - well execpt for, I won't name names, you-know-who succumbing to false guilt and revealing a few things. That was damaging, but we survived." He nodded toward the person in question as she slouched in her chair and avoided the stares.

"Furthermore, we've got her on the edge. Yes, I know, it wasn't hard to prey on such a paranoid person, but only teamwork could make this go so well. The anger is nearing its breaking point as a conversation last week proved, so one final push and our over the edge goal will be realized."

"Now, you two, the apparent love birds and soon-to-be roommates. Continue with, well whatever you are doing, and be sure to communicate your actions - be as vague as possible without losing meaning. And you," he pointed to the new lady, "the blog is great, it gives me the creeps so I know it is working on the target - keep up the good work."

"And, you guys in the back. Continue filtering work news to the office mate. He spreads that shit quicker than I had envisioned - and always adding his own twist, our target is going crazy over some of that shit." He made a clapping gesture toward the motley crew sitting together near the back. The smiled and shook their heads in agreement as they leaned forward and whispered between themselves.

"Okay, now there is just one more thing that needs to be done to make this complete." He looked at the well-dressed man in the front row and nodded to him. He grimaced while carefully choosing the words. "You all know Bob here." He pointed at the man for all to acknowledge. "Bob here is going, well you all know what he needs to do to close the deal." He shook his own memories of such moments while refocusing on the list when he noticed Bob standing to speak.

"I don't think I can go through with it, it'll be devastating and I think I have real feelings." Bob held his hat in hand while looking at the ground in front of him and speaking.

"Oh, shit." He pushed away from the table and wiped his face with both hands. He knew the foe could be persuasive so this was not a surprise, but it would take some work - and he had the necessary people to back him up on hand - to break the spell as a friend had previously done for him.

"Yeah. I didn't plan it." Bob's face was suddenly red.

"No worries, it happens, but you remember everything we have told you? And, you remember his stories?" He pointed at the happy couple to Bob's right as they nodded, but Bob did not seem convinced.

"Okay, I didn't want to do this." He felt like a lawyer as he pulled the fat folder from his briefcase. The printed mail messages had been withheld for this very moment. He gripped them firmly as he approached Bob.