Missing

“Are we really going to do this?” She mumbled into his mouth.

“I think so.“ He pulled away and sat back. He had been on cruise control until that moment.

“No, I want to, it just seemed, I don’t know, we’ve been so close so many times,” she reached for his neck, pulling him closer.

“Yeah, there have been a lot of false starts,” he laughed.

“Say it first.”

“Say what?” He did not realize there was a script – when he was married, they just went at it, but this was all new. Was there a magic word? He immediately thought of saying please.

The room filled with silence and their faces inches apart – she squinted, seemingly willing him to read her mind. The hot breath on his face was disconcerting.

“I want you so much."

“I need to know it is more than that.”

“Oh, well, you know that.” 

“Do I?”

“Of course you do.” Her tone was annoying, but there was no reason to point out the forced conversation.

“Do I?”

“I love you?” He hoped it didn’t sound like a question. This seemed like what she wanted to hear, but it was weird to say it. He hadn't said it to anybody in years. An hour ago it may have been a true statement, but now?

“I love you too,” she beamed while reaching back and pulling the white polo over her head.

Their eyes met as he pulled his pants down and nearly tripped. Her right hand grabbed hold of him as he reached for her.

They fell to the couch. This always looked so much easier in movies. It had been so long, it was a strange. 

“Wait, do you have a condom?” She planted her left palm on his chest like a crossing guard saying stop. 

“What? No, shit, sorry, I didn’t think this would happen.” He rolled to the right and awkwardly tried to rest on an elbow. Pain shot through his arm, so he sat up.

“I think Dave bought some a while back. It was a big box, so one won’t be missed or maybe four!” She giggled and rolled off the couch while scrambling through a previously unseen door.

He surveyed the room and its jumbled contents. There was her husband’s stereo; his cd collection; Red Sox championship hat and there on the mantle was an actual picture of him alone along with another of the married couple.

“Here we go!” He jumped as the square package landed on his chest. 

“Give me a second,” he fumbled with it like he was holding a foreign object and the moment passed – he no longer wanted to be there. He felt the eyes of the husband squarely on him. He leaned back with a heavy sigh. He missed is wife.

“Ah, that feels good,” she had grabbed his hand and pushed it where she wanted it.

She sat up and pulled him toward her, but it was not going to happen. An uneasy hush filled the room as a clock loudly ticked.

“You okay?” She propped herself up on her elbows.

“Yeah, just nervous, didn’t want to disappoint you and now my mind has taken over.” It was better than saying he did not want her – ever.

“Disappoint me? I am so relaxed right now.” She laughed violently, throwing her head back. It seemed theatrical.

“Ah, I wasn’t sure.” He forced a laugh while realizing the huge mistake. He wanted to leave, run and never see her again. The couch was old, like him, and everything else in the room – the term ironic popped in his head. It was like some bad novel.

“You’re so silly, I can help,“ he stopped her with a gentle push. 

“Sorry, I’m just embarrassed, this was supposed to go differently.” He tried to explain it away as she recoiled. 

He raised and fumbled with his crumpled clothes. The half open condom remained on the floor as a reminder of failure and bad decisions. He thought of a line from a show where the character says they smell shame.

“Nothing to be so weird about, we'll have plenty of opportunities, you want a drink?” She hopped up and strolled to the kitchen. 

He quickly dressed as she disappeared, grimacing when seeing his reflection in the window. He sat on the couch trying to avert the husband’s eyes as she loudly filled a glass with water and ice, he pushed on his shoes.

“Here, sorry I could find only one clean glass,” she held out the half empty (or half full?) glass after taking a long drink. The phrase “long, tall drink of water” popped in his head and could not remember its origin. Then he wondered how there was only one clean glass before remembering the sloppiness of the surroundings.

“That’s okay.” He pushed it away – the thought of drinking from the same glass was gross.

“Quit acting so weird. Let’s see what is on the telly.” She plopped down on the sofa, covering herself with a blanket while stabbing at the remote with no response from the tv. He stared at the blanket, he could not remember seeing it before now. The fact she called it telly was irritating.

“Crap, Dave always handles this, you know how to work it? There may be another remote.” She absently gave him the remote while searching the floor. With one click the tv erupted with sound. 

“I have to go.” He stood quickly while checking for wallet, phone and keys – everything was in place.

“What? I thought you were staying all night; Dave is gone until Monday.”

“No, I have to work in the morning.” The husband’s eyes trailed his every move, knowing he was lying.

“I thought you said …”

“Is that the right time?” He pointed at the wall clock.

“Here, let me walk you out.” She shrugged at the question and then laughed as the blanket fell to the floor.

“Right, you better stay here.” He faked a laughed and turned for the door that seemed miles away. His bladder was full, but he wanted out - wincing while walking to the door. 

“Hold on, come here first,” she pulled him close and kissed him like something from a movie. He couldn't believe he had thought this was a good idea. 

“Later.” He felt the odd taste in his mouth as the door closed. He resisted the urge to run. The stickiness of his hands was a surprise and the smell of her filled the car. He had to find a bathroom.

Rain pelted the car as saw the familiar McDonald's sign. He pushed into the bathroom and coated his hands, arms and face with the gooey soap. The smell was still there after repeated washings. He sighed while finally relieving himself.

He ordered a large Coke at the counter and then added burger and fries. He sat in his car in the parking lot, eating as raindrops danced across the windshield. He missed his wife.