Realization

The stranger completely overtook me the next few days. The achiness and headache exploded across my body with a fever alternating extreme cold with tropical heat. The covers were piled high one minute and then on the floor. The only interesting aspect of the ordeal was the dreams - at one point I am walking the dark subway tunnels of New York and then playing with rats while a stranger chased us following by a gathering with other students pointing out some students had posted nothing all week (and I instantly know it is me) and how it is not fair and something needs to be done. It was a few days before the fever “broke” which led to the coughing. The sleep was something to behold since I am a well-known insomniac. I kept wondering how people lived like this, how could anybody sleep so much, but then my body reminded me of the how and why. I had a lot of time commitments as well as work deliverables, so it was a terrible time to be ill. Also, I never got sick, so it was a surprise for everybody. I wondered if people really believed I was sick, but I actually did see a doctor and got a note if ever questioned. Just thinking of a “doctors note” made me laugh, it reminded me of missed school days when such items were a requirement and often greatly scrutinized. I missed many school days of which my mom knew nothing, I had stolen a note pad and mimiced her writing. I tried to push forward with the commitments of my day job, but all of the coughing on conference calls was too much. Also, the couple of times I turned on my camera during Zoom calls was met with gasps and genuine sympathy and pleas to go rest and return another day. Eventually, I relented and retreated to bed and long stretches of sleep. My side projects were pushed out with not much fuss and of course I was stripped of all duties at home. The time leading up to my struggles with the stranger (as I loved to call it, like “when do you think the stranger will be done with me?”) came at a time of mounting tensions at home. Like a cliche, we had grown apart with animosity and accusations leveled. The accustations were pointless but could not be ignored. Therapy had been initiated, but it was put on hold as well. The many days of care provided by my better half seemed to reconnect us - providing the ample opportunity to demonstrate love (and accept it), and it was (I hate to say this) heartwarming to see the concern on her face. After all, we are no spring chickens and many wonder when an illness is really an illness or just the beginning of the end (yeah, people can be morbid). She caressed my forehead with the cold rag when the fever would not relent. She brought me food and neceeary medications. There were long talks once I turned the corner, talks we would never have had if permitted to work and tackle other commitments. There was lots of talk of good times and some bad, the sparkle seemed to return to her eyes (it had never left mine). I shrugged off the reminder of how many times I had mumbled the words “I don’t need you” while realizing that was far from true.